So I purged two meals today… and I have been purging one meal a day for the last 4 days. I’m spiraling down, but I have to figure out how I can make myself stop. I feel as though I am trying too hard to fix the problem, when I should just stop thinking about the problem and move on. But it’s hard to just “move on” when this has been my whole life. Eating food has never been a good experience for me.
I understand how I should eat and what I should eat and so forth, but I just don’t see myself doing any of those actions. I feel I need more control in my life and I want to do it through my ED. However, that is not a proper way to live my life.
I have been battling the temptation to log into my Pro ana web site to check everything out. but I’m afraid of falling back. Really there is nothing for me. I don’t really like reading all the blogs or posts bc they are normally about the same things, but with different experiences through different people. Then you get the drama aspect of it. Sigh. I know it would be pointless but for some reason I find comfort there.
What should I do if my enviroment doesn’t allow me to eat? does that count as me reverting to me ED because I didn’t try hard enough to get something to eat? What about the money issue? How can I keep up buying food if I’m only going to throw it up 5 minutes after I eat it.
At least when I go out to eat and someone buys the food I don’t purge – I feel like it would be rude because it’s their money, so why don’t I feel the same now with MY money?!?!? Because I don’t properly love myself that is why. So I need to Let IT GO, and focusing on meditative breathing, the swinging door, and fitness.
Why can I not revert my controlling habits into fitness? Oh but I can then I turn into an exercise addict… I’ve seen me do it. So then I have my ED on top of over exercising… Yeppie!
So tonight, all the food my cafe made was all diary (I’m lactose intolerant) so I couldn’t eat any of it. when I got home it was around 11pm. I made peanut butter toast. I didn’t even want to eat the second piece, but I did anyways, then I got more food – then I ended up throwing it up. I can’t do this to myself!
And now I am up right now typing about it, instead of sleeping because I have another job interview tomorrow. I need to stay positive and keep my head held high!
Society’s amount of weight is a number or BMI that I do not wish to conform to! I will be JUST ME and love me for who, and what I stand for.