I feel like I look awful. Yesterday I felt my fat giggle in every which way. I felt every time I moved my mouth my fat would giggle. Why do I feel so awful? What is it that I did to make me look at myself in this manner? Is it a test of higher spirituality? What do I need to do to stop this feeling. I just don’t want to feel this fat anymore. I look in the mirror and a small voice says I look fine, but I feel as though it’s lying. What does this material body have for me, really? It doesn’t offer me anything except keeps my flowing, creative mind from being completely free and allowing my soul to fly into the cosmos and live in peace. I’m tormented by emotions and false realizations. A part of me wants to just leave this world and end it all. But then I know I’ll recycle back here to try again… How do I know what I will do? Should I endure this pain to see where it leads me or just stop and start over. I feel like a fat cow… And I giggle and flap all over the place 😦 binges are not worth this feeling.
mia
Relapse?
SO I b/p again today.. I need to get my scale and see where I am at. I know that this can’t be completely right… Something is deffinielty off with me… there is somthing going on in te stars and planets that is making me feel this way. I haven’t had an episode liek this in a while. Why can I just control my hands to mouth??? sigh… I’m pathetic. I will do better, I will do better, I will do better. I will do better, I will do better, I will do better. I will do better, I will do better, I will do better, I will do better, I will do better, I will do better, I will do better, I will do better, I will do better, I will do better. I WILL DO BETTER! ! ! Going to chug some water, drink some tea and I WILL DO BETTER!
Use of health?
can I use this as a health page? lol Of course I can do whatever I want. I want to be a normal healthy person.. I find it so hard to eat normally, still with the progress I have been doing with my journey. But here I go:
IDK what my current weight is… it’s like 135 or 140… BAD I KNOW! for a 5’2 girl… it’s awful. Yea I work out so some could be muscle, but definitely not all. I want to be thinner, Like I was.. maybe back down to 115ish. that’s a good healthy thin weight for me. so Stats:
CW 135-140
GW: 115
LW: 100
Today I have eaten, A bagel with cream cheese and a oreo coffee thing.. I threw up possibly less than half? I don’t want to throw up… I haven’t done it in a long time, and I don’t want to anymore. I could blame it on the triggers I have been having, but those are excuses for the weak. I need to be strong… I think I will only have a yogurt and a coffee for the rest of the day. I rode the bike for 30 mins this morning but not enough to burn the nastiness from my body. I want to eat clean and healthy.. yea I have an addiction to diet soda.. it’s a bad one to have but IDK if I’m ready to give that up just yet. I want to measure everything so I have a better idea, I was doing good for a while. I just need to be more aware when I eat and practice mindful eating… sigh. Here we go.
How Shall I Take this?
So I purged two meals today… and I have been purging one meal a day for the last 4 days. I’m spiraling down, but I have to figure out how I can make myself stop. I feel as though I am trying too hard to fix the problem, when I should just stop thinking about the problem and move on. But it’s hard to just “move on” when this has been my whole life. Eating food has never been a good experience for me.
I understand how I should eat and what I should eat and so forth, but I just don’t see myself doing any of those actions. I feel I need more control in my life and I want to do it through my ED. However, that is not a proper way to live my life.
I have been battling the temptation to log into my Pro ana web site to check everything out. but I’m afraid of falling back. Really there is nothing for me. I don’t really like reading all the blogs or posts bc they are normally about the same things, but with different experiences through different people. Then you get the drama aspect of it. Sigh. I know it would be pointless but for some reason I find comfort there.
What should I do if my enviroment doesn’t allow me to eat? does that count as me reverting to me ED because I didn’t try hard enough to get something to eat? What about the money issue? How can I keep up buying food if I’m only going to throw it up 5 minutes after I eat it.
At least when I go out to eat and someone buys the food I don’t purge – I feel like it would be rude because it’s their money, so why don’t I feel the same now with MY money?!?!? Because I don’t properly love myself that is why. So I need to Let IT GO, and focusing on meditative breathing, the swinging door, and fitness.
Why can I not revert my controlling habits into fitness? Oh but I can then I turn into an exercise addict… I’ve seen me do it. So then I have my ED on top of over exercising… Yeppie!
So tonight, all the food my cafe made was all diary (I’m lactose intolerant) so I couldn’t eat any of it. when I got home it was around 11pm. I made peanut butter toast. I didn’t even want to eat the second piece, but I did anyways, then I got more food – then I ended up throwing it up. I can’t do this to myself!
And now I am up right now typing about it, instead of sleeping because I have another job interview tomorrow. I need to stay positive and keep my head held high!
Society’s amount of weight is a number or BMI that I do not wish to conform to! I will be JUST ME and love me for who, and what I stand for.
Again… W/ migraine
Had a migraine this morning. I need to start taking vitamins, but my stomach can’t handle regular ones even if I eat like a fucking horse I still get nauseous… So gummies are my only option.
I didn’t “binge” I just ate uncomfortably more tha I wanted too and then went back to sleep bc of my headache… Bad choice. So I feel all gross inside… I have to go to work now and I’m just bleh 
And I work at a restaurant so they always make food for us. 😦 sigh.
The first binge in a while
I had a mini binge. It wasn’t more than 1200 (?) cals but I feel so gross. I’m down 112.4 this morning we will see what tomorrow holds with this mini binge. I was able to throw the last few bits away so it was a bit like I had some control. It’s been over a week since my last binge…
I’m beginning to loose a ton of energy. It’s hard just to clean and do my hair. But the last time I almost got to 100 pounds I want to make it under 99!
Lost
Left the bf house and moved back in with my family. I’m dead to everything. I’m down to 113.8 though. I have to keep going. I started working at a restaurant, that’s interesting… I don’t mind it but it’s just, idk… I don’t want to live anymore.
Yoga
I finally started doing yoga again. We’ll I did it today again at least. I’ve been up and down with my eating habits. One day I skip meals the next I eat normAl. After these holidays with the bf’s family it was hard to not look suspicious and it was my first time meeting them and his first time bringing home a girl… His 29 😦 so I had to somewhat normal.
He’s been talking about loosing weight and all so I know I’ll be able to get away with eating less. All I had today was a bowl of cereal and I went for a jog/walk 2.6 miles and did 30 mins of yoga. Not eating lunch and I bet I can get away with only having a smoothie for dinner. I’ll weigh myself tomorrow to see what the holiday damage was ugh
Update 12/5/14
CW: 116.4
I b/p this morning. I’ve been going to the gym everyday. I’ve been so triggered lately. Everything. I remember now why I stopped watching tv… There’s just too much on it to remind me of shit I don’t need to be reminded of. I’m loosing myself. There was a great post it said “you ever miss yourself? The person you were before someone hurt you?” That’s me. But really I’ve been damaged for so long Idk what my “normal” is. How do you go back to being normal when your life dramatically changed at age 4 and continued in a spiral that just kept spinning you out of control but you had to keep it all together for so long you don’t know how to let it go? It becomes a comfort to you to hold on to the bad emotions…
NOOB Stats
So I’ve been struggling through Ana/Mia/Ednos whatever the hell you wanna call it for over 9 years But I wanna start a blog to just get everything off my chest so I can show whoever wants to read my failures and successes about my weight and mental illness. I also have a blog about my mental illness(es). I’ll post a link at the end. I was diagnosed with Bulimia in High school 9 years ago but my family never really cared so they never pushed me to go to therapy and they thought it would “work itself out” and I would get over it. Well, eventually my throat started to bleed every time I would throw up so I eased up on my purging and started restricting more. but My weight has never really stayed constant. I got married young and I thought it was over… but that didn’t last long after I found out he was selfish and he didn’t really care about me. I’m in the middle of the divorce now. I was down to 102 and now I shot back up to 12o again and now I’m slowly working my way down. I want to hit the double digits so bad… I’m short 5 foot 2 so being this heavy looks so bad on me 😦
I live in the US, and I’m an introvert. A lot has happened to me. I do not like people, they use me because I am too nice to them, and no matter what I am stupid and always think that I can help them and they always end up hurting me. So I try to stay to myself. I want to be a nurse – ironically. So I am starting school in the Spring. I lived in Florida my entire life but decided I needed a change and moved to snowy regions. Good luck to me! I love it so far.
CW:115 current BMI 21.1
HW:140
LW:102
UGW:89
My mental illness blog: https://Fairythin.wordpress.com
Finding Me 