Who to Look UP to?

Life has shown me a new way to look at myself. I continuously look at others and what others are doing how they act, how they think, why they do things, their motivations, but I never seem to look at my own. During this new journey I have realized that I need to be within my own body, within my own mind. I need to stop focusing on the outside, whether it be my mind, body, or spirit – I need to look inside and stop my outer thoughts.

Once I begin to think about someone else I need to redirect my thoughts – what they do has no affect on me unless I allow it. I create this worry, or this distraction from myself because I allow it. I’m not “in-tune” with myself because I’m not allowing it.

I’ve been better the last few days with listening to when I’m hungry and when I’m full. I’ve felt better, and I’ve felt more confident. I wore a tank top to the gym (which I can hardly ever do). But if I can’t love my body now, how can I love it when I reach my goal weight? or “desired body” if I can’t love it now, then I won’t be able to ever accomplish a desired body. I want to be fit and lean. I want to be flexible and graceful.

All this is within me, not someone else. I need to look up to the person I can be, not a different person altogether.

I continuously look up to my higher self.

I am a better person than I was yesterday.

I am happy, healthy and free from holding myself back.

I let life flow through me.

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Avoiding myself?

SO I could quiet possibly be avoiding myself in ways I didn’t realize… My friend told me they started drinking lately “socially” and for fun, they also admitted to drinking a couple times to “get away” yet they assured me 99% of the time it was “for fun”. Well then I tried mediated ot about 2 minutes into it and failed. What is worse here? Who am I to judge what is good or what is bad? So I went to the gym and had sweat pouring from my body for over 2 hours… maybe that can help ease my body to relax the mind. Maybe I’m hiding from myself. Maybe I can’t realize that we are doing the same thing, that its two different heads to the same coin, but on opposite ends? Maybe I fear what I’m beginning to find through this new journey.

Life gives us reflections so we can see what we are becoming and what we are forgetting. Don’t miss out on the reflections that are given to you to see the things inside yourself that need help, attention, or praise. ❤

 

There is something stirring inside me and I’m not sure what it could possibly be; strength, determination, courage are all rising but at the expense of a break through, and possible break down as the pressure builds, but as the pressure builds, I know the diamond will come from this volcanic rock.. I just got to keep on going.

Gym it

So I noticed when I’m at the gym, I always fear judgement, but I wonder if that is because I am judging others? I wonder if the fear I have is based on what I think I shouldn’t be doing. Like when I’m doing an exercise, I always have this feeling that people are going to make fun of me, so I don’t do that many reps, I feel like I don’t want them to see me struggle; so I don’t. I don’t want to be humiliated. I feel like this comes from my background of watching kids get humiliated and get hurt when they try to do something… I am not sure what it is. I know that I need to help myself get out of that “humiliating” phase and let it go.

I need to release all that’s not serving me to become a better person for myself, my future, and to help others on their journey.

Day 1

So today starts my new “life change” NOT a DIET… Today I woke up, got a Red Bull – I wasn’t planning on eating breakfast (mistake one) because i was going out to lunch with a friend. So, I got to work and someone (who is also vegan) asked me to make me some breakfast, they were pretty pushy about it. So I agreed, didn’t drink my red bull until later, had today:

Breakfast: A pita with “mango butter” and a very small home-grown banana.

Lunch: banana nut oatmeal (its hard to eat out as a vegan) and a few pieces of home fries

Dinner: Veggies, Hummus, salsa, tostitos chips, a couple pretzels, and a little bit of candy

Snacks: Red bull and soda

So dinner I was at a “shower” of course I’m limited to what I can eat there, so I ate 2 plates full of the above stuff. I was nervous, I felt like I needed to eat so people wouldn’t question me why I wasn’t eating or not eating that much.

I feel like people judge me all the time, if I do this but not that, but then I do that and they question why i did that… it’s quite frustrating… It wears me out.. as I was driving home I noticed how low my energy was from just trying to protect myself from questioning – am I doing this right, is this enough? is that too much? IDK what I’m doing here… kind of thing… I bet it has something to do with my child rearing, I wont get into that.. it’s just a long boring story.

Part of this whole “life change” is that I reflect on my eating choices and why I made them based on my emotions etc. So this morning, I didn’t feel like eating but I did anyways because I was “pushed too” But I’m glad I did because I wasn’t too hungry at lunch and was able to only eat a small portion instead of chowing down the entire bowl of oatmeal. there were still a few bits left *applaused myself* haha. The soda today though, I felt kind of rushed and stressed between the lunch and the shower, so I kind of just slurped down a few gulps of soda and my red bull i sipped throughout the morning/afternoonish. It’s kind of funny because about 3 weeks ago I was refusing caffeine of any kind… I don’t know what my mind thinks sometimes.

My  body image and self esteem needs improvement but other than that today was an overall good day.

New Step

Okay Society, I’ve had enough of your crazy media and this and that. I am beginning a new step. and it starts with my diet and how to eat properly, healthy… all that smooth jazz (except I don’t like jazz :P)  but anyways. Time to start my new life in a new direction. Lets do this! ❤ “aint nothing but a thang “

Well, well…

It’s my fault I am this way… I do this to myself… the food I eat, it’s my choose, why can’t I now choose not to eat as much? Why do I do this to myself? I need to get back into working out again… it’s been rough since I fractured my knee, but it’s mostly healed now, so I should be okay… But why do I keep hurting myself with the mass amount of food intake? This is just too much. I weighed myself at my aunts house. 140… ONE FORTY! ! ! ugh… I’ve been felt so low with being so fat… I hate this. I want to put the blame on outside influences, but I know that it isn’t them that’s fucking up, it’s me. I need to be better, I need to take charge. and I know all I’m doing is blabbing here about my problems with my weight and my lack of control, but I will get it back. I am never constant, I’m all over the place. I make a decision and that’s as far as it gets with me. I can never get up enough motivation to keep this mind and body balanced.

ACV (Apple Cider Vinegar)

So I stopped eating dairy, I’m basically now a vegan that will eat things with “egg” in it. But I don’t really eat eggs. I don’t eat meat, I did for like 6 months, but it was only fish and chicken for like 5 months, but I quickly reverted back into my vegetarian ways. Now I’m kind of vegan? lol well I don’t eat any meats, only “eggs” so I guess you can call me an ovo-vegetarian. lol

I quit eating dairy bc of my acne. It’s not horribly bad, but it’s not the greatest. My teacher said that I couldn’t be massaged if my acne got too bad… so of course, I had to take action to hinder that variable. So no-dairy it is. I also made an “action plan” but I haven’t put it into “action” yet. sigh, I’m also trying to limit my gluten intake… why do I feel like a fat-fuck? I just ugh. I hate being fat, but really there no point to worry about it bc this body isn’t what is going to get me anywhere after this life. being “fat” is different than being healthy… I just need to focus on being healthy and getting my mind straight for the long healthy road ahead.

So I’m going to try ACV. I used it today on my face, and I drank an ounce or two of it… WOW, what a way to wake up… shit… That is strong and very undesirable… But if it’ll help me, then lets do it. Apparently it is also supposed to help with overweight, arthritis, and a bunch of other aliments. So, day one..

It burned on the way down, kind of like alcohol would, but I could feel it go into my stomach and just coat everything. it was weird. I then got a little light headed and feel weird… I hope this works lol